Families
First of all I would like to say that I was extremely
reluctant to start this essay because of the daunting task of dealing with the
vast area which the topic covers. Despite being limited to human
families ( and thus excluding all animal communities), the subject still
covers many different cultures, about which I know almost nothing, and an
incredibly wide range of personalities, about which I know about the same. It
is hard enough to know one’s self, let alone other people! You see, people are
made in the image of God. They are complex. Unique. Individuals destined to
progressively change into the likeness of God. They are not robots, and they
cannot be slotted conveniently into simple categories. When you have a
collection of humans together - a family - you compound the difficulties.
So when it comes to an examination of something as complex
and special as a family, there is very little room for dogmatism. What works in
one family may not work in another. There are far too many people who have
decided that their particular code, or set of rules is universal, when in fact
it happened to work with one family in one culture. The same set of rules may
have the opposite effect in another family, in another culture - or next door.
Which is why I always look askance at the plethora of books
currently available on the subject of : raising kids, building marriage,
discipline, rules for the home, relationships, dating, teenagers, teaching
toddlers, and so on. The best book are the ones which present principles. The
worst books are full of rules.
Every parent is an individual, and every child is an
individual.
Anecdotal evidence has shown me that the same discipline
which works on one child will not work on another. What I call the ‘creative’
child (some parents say ‘arty’) is not bothered much by the same discipline
which has a dramatic behaviour modifying effect on his or her brother or
sister. For some children a simple word, spoken softly, has a huge effect,
while a smack has the same effect on another child. I once saw a six year old
boy burst into tears simply because his mother warned him about a possible
danger in the paddock he was standing in. Her slighly harsh tone had been a
whip to his mind - whereas another child may have needed his father after him
with a real stick to get him to move.
Having said this, I tread on eggshells as I approach the
topic . . .
Turning the world upside-down.
There is an interesting statement in Acts 17:6,7 which may
not at first glance seem to be relevant, but I think it is a key verse:
"And when they could not find (Paul and Silas), they
drew Jason and certain brethren to the rulers of the city, crying, These
that have turned the world upside down are come hither also;
Whom Jason has received: and these all do contrary to the
decrees of Caesar, saying that there is another king, one Jesus."
Another king. This is what the Jewish Christians were
proclaiming. Jesus was the real king, the King of kings, over all other kings,
supreme and majestic, ruling over all the little kings and rulers on earth.
Ruling over Caesar.
By claiming Jesus as the greatest king, the Christians were
denying Caesar’s claim to be the supreme ruler of
In many other ways Christians are expected to challenge the
accepted ‘norms’ of the world, and commit social treason, despite the trouble
it causes.
Christianity is supposed to turn things upside down - which
means of course that Christianity is actually the right side up! It is
the world, the unsaved people, the rejecters of God’s Word, who are upside
down. All people need to do, in order to turn themselves on their heads, is to
stop referring to the Bible for guidance, then they automatically join the
millions of upside down people around them.
Please bear with me for a while. I haven’t forgotten the
topic.
Jesus constantly, daily, turned things the right way up. For
example, he spent time with children. In his day Rabbis regarded children with
disinterest, but Jesus picked them up and carried them, hugged them, spent time
with them, showed them respect, and even pointed to them as examples of how
God’s children ought to be.
Jesus also taught things which were the opposite to
the way the world saw things. For example :
It is more blessed to give than to receive (Acts 20:35)
Care must be shown for enemies (Rom.12:20)
Forgive and bless your enemies (Rom.12:21)
Don’t hoard earthly things (Mat. 6:19)
Select your church leaders from those who are least esteemed
(1Cor.6:4)
See God’s hand of blessing in every adversity (Rom.8:28)
Service to others is more important than being in charge
over them (Gal.5:13)
Galations 5 lists a whole raft of life-style differences -
avoid adultery, idolatry, drugs, hatred, arguing, outbursts of anger, selfish
ambition, drunkenness and so on. All these things are common to unsaved people,
and part of their ‘normal’ lifestyle. It should not be so for Christians.
So when we come to examine what the Bible says about
‘families’ we should expect to find the same ‘turning upside-down’ principle.
Whatever the world considers normal for a family is probably quite wrong.
Unfortunately the matter is not as clear as black and white.
There are many Christian principles at work in the world, with their
corresponding successes.
For example, the Bible lays stress on the parents being the
main nurturers and educators of their children. I will spend a little time on
this one - because it is a good example of how Christians miss the Bible
teaching on raising kids because they are so immersed in the contemporary culture.
The world tends to use all sorts of methods to avoid parents
teaching their own children - kindergarten, pre-school, Public Primary
schooling, Private schooling, university and Polytech. Parents in the West have
grown up with the State-school system, and consider it unusual if children are
NOT dropped off at the local Primary school as soon as they reach 5 yrs old.
A recent study has shown that there is a direct correlation
between the amount of time spent in child care and undesirable traits, like aggression,
defiance and disobedience. The study, which followed 1,100 children in ten
cities and in many settings : relatives, nannies, large day care centres,
preschools and more, over 10 years, showed that "as time goes up, so do
behaviour problems. Children who spend over 30 hours a week in child care are
more demanding, more non-compliant and more aggressive" - Dr. Jay Belsky,
National Institute on Child Health and Human Development, and National
Institutes of Health.
One reason why children not brought up by their parents
should develop this underlying anger and hostility towards other people is
probably their lack of contact with the two people God created to be their best
friends - their parents. Nothing can replace the relationship which God designed
between parents and their children. (This is not a criticism of single parents,
or parents who have no choice because of their circumstances).
The Christian Homeschooling movement has gathered tens of
thousands of parents and children together into its ranks, with consistent
results. Properly homeschooled children are usually ahead of their
State-schooled counterparts academically, and also are better adjusted socially
(ever tried to talk to a typical Public school kid? - they don’t know how to
converse with adults). Homeschooled children usually become great achievers
too, because they have more confidence, and they have learned how to relate to
God.
So broadly speaking, Christian homeschooling is the correct
way to nurture and educate children. All other systems may work well too, but
they are not the best way.
When we look at the ‘family’ we have a similar contrast
between the Christian model, and the world’s model. Again, very broadly, the
world’s model might be summarised this way :
1. Emphasis on materialism. Children are raised in an
environment where happiness and success are measured by material increase and
professional promotion.
2. Education highly valued. The most important abilities are
seen to be Science and Maths, with other subjects coming further down, and
ending with Art. Spiritual values are not seen as valuable because they lack
earning power - unless the child (God forbid!) joins the clergy and becomes a
professional Pastor/Minister.
3. Women. It is not wrong for a woman to have a job, but women today
are encouraged to put their profession before their children. The job, the
income, and material increase are put on a higher priority level than
home-making and child-raising.
4. Entertainment. The most important thing for most kids is the
maintenance of entertaining activities, and experiences. Life is seen as a
potential entertainment theme park, which exists solely for those who want to
spend their whole lives in it. Unfortunately, many adults have the same mindset.
5. Throw away society. Because so many things today are
disposable, families tend to treat everything in much the same way. Abortion
and euthanasia are becoming more acceptable. Life is cheapened by the daily
media portrayal of evil and ugly events. Selfishness is fostered, rather than
service to others. Many familes are nothing more than a bunch of selfish, self-centered
individuals who spend most of their time trying to get what they want, even
though the price is the destruction of their family, home, and stability.
The Christian model of a family is not stated anywhere in
the Bible. It would be wonderful if it was. Christian parents could simply turn
to the chapter and read off the list all the specific commands for parents and
children, and then put them into practise.
But the list is there, tucked into various chapters and
verses, scattered throughout the whole Bible. The reason this is so, I think,
is because ‘family’ is such a big subject, with so many variations and
subtlelties, it cannot be encapsulated into a simple list.
Perhaps the greatest code for any family is " Therefore
all things whatsoever you would that men should do to you, do you even so to
them:" Matthew 7:12 and also Phil.2:14.
As far as I can see, God’s emphasis is not so much on the
‘family’ as a whole group, but on the individual. In fact, I would go so
far as to suggest that many advocates of ‘the family’ have been so extreme as
to make it into a sort of idol. There is nothing in the Bible about the
elevation of sons, daughters, mothers, fathers, uncles, aunts, families, or any
other institution or social group to a place of divine sanctity. Jesus is the
Head of the Church. Jehovah is Head of Israel. Everything relates to God in
terms of Creator and created. People who make the family to be more important
than it really is are liable to be knocked down rather roughly.
But individuals are extremely important to God. Most of the Bible is about God and
individuals. When larger groups are described, God usually picks out an
individual for specific instructions, or decribes some detail in one
individual’s life. Many of the books of the Bible are named after individuals.
The reason for this, I think is because God deals with each person on earth as
of they were the only person on earth. God sees everyone, but He is so infinite
He can deal with each person as if they are Adam without Eve, or Eve without
Adam. Alone, on the planet, with no other person to relate to.
In the New Testament, God never addresses any family. He
always speaks to ‘the church’ or an individual.
So when it comes to the husband and wife, the father and
mother, God’s instructions are given on a one-to-one basis. This is because God
expects the husband to walk the narrow way regardless of how the wife walks it
- and vice versa. God expects Mums to be Christians regardless of how the Dads,
or children, or neighbours behave. God expects the Dads to be Christians
regardless of whether the Mum is a Satanist with a drug problem, or whether the
teenage kids are going wild, or whether the baby has chronic colic.God also
expects the Christian children in the family to stay on track regardless of the
behaviour of the parents.
But what about Christian parents?
Parents represent God to the children. God created (almost)
everything male and female because God expresses His Nature best in terms of
male and female. God is not just male, nor is He just female. The two aspects
compliment each other, and give us a balanced view of Him.
So Dad should be male, and Mum should be female. The
children should see a clear balance between the two people, who work together
and compliment each other.
This is why marriage is so important to God. In the
Christian context, when a man and woman decide to marry, they become one flesh
(The Hebrew word is ‘echad’=one, the same word used in "The Lord thy God
is one (‘echad’) God", and so represent in their oneness the reality of
God.
This is why children become damaged when their parents
separate.
It is the responsibility of Christian parents to do their
best to represent God to their children, but just what this entails is another
area which must be dealt with in terms of principles, because there is no hard
and fast list of rules.
I would summarise the responsibilities of parents
this way :
1. Love. Unconditional love must be shown towards the children.
Parents must be able to apologise when they make mistakes, and forgive when
they are wronged. Children are not adults - they are tangled messes, full of foolishness
and ignorance. A five year old still has trouble telling the difference between
truth and lies. They have almost no experience, and very little interest in the
world. Parents should be condescending (not patronising), patient, tolerant,
careful not to offend. What children learn from their parents they eventually
transfer to their understanding of God, so parents ought to try and represent
the True God accurately.
2. Submission. Husbands must be submissive to God, and then to their wives
and children, as well as their boss and other authorities. Wives must be
submissive in the same order. (Sadly, there are some ‘fundamentalist’ Christian
men who think that wives are little more than slaves - and their children learn
a terrible lesson as they see the suffering of their mother under the ‘macho’
fist of their father).
3. Sacrifice. Each parent has to work out what this means for themselves.
Children need attention, time and material blessings. Parents are sometimes
quick to spend money but not spend time. Some children would gladly leave their
room full of things just for an hour of quality time with their Mum or Dad.
4. Law. Every home needs the Law. This means a set of rules with
prescribed punishments. The children must understand that THEY are responsibile
for what follows if THEY break the rules. If there is no system of fair and
just punishment in a home, anarchy soon prevails. Children who are not
disciplined become insecure and rebellious, and they feel unloved.
Children.
Jesus repeatedly referred his disciple’s attention to
children. Because he did this, we ought to think about what He said, and see if
there are any principles which parents can apply to their work. Matthew 18:1 At
the same time came the disciples unto Jesus, saying, Who is the greatest in the
kingdom of heaven?
"And Jesus called a little child to him, and set him in
the midst of them,
And said, Verily I say to you, Except you be converted, and become
as little children, you shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.
Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this
little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 18:2
Obviously, the key word here is "humility", but
with humility comes dependency. As a general rule (and there are always
exceptions), children own almost nothing, yet they are usually happy with what
little they do own. They are humble because they have no job, possessions or
rank to protect.
They also live day by day, without trying to change or rule
the world. They receive whatever is given to them and ask for things without
embarrassment. They have very few choices in life, yet they enjoy life so much
you’d think they were rich, compared to many adults who are bored and
dissatisfied with life despite having huge wealth and freedom.
They trust, they forgive quickly, they love and care and
feel for people unselfishly. They enjoy dancing and singing, and prefer to be
with people than things. They think work is play, and they get enthusiastic
about things - far more than adults do.
So, generally speaking, children demonstrate qualities which
are quite often totally foreign to adults. So what can Christian parents learn
from children?
To be more spontaneous. If a child discovers a beautiful
flower, or a caterpillar, or wants to watch a leaf drift by on a river, parents
ought to stop and enter into the experience too, rather than glance at their
watch.
To be more dependant on God. Too often children say ‘God
provides for me’ but they see their parents holding down two jobs and
sadly dividing the pay-packet.. They hear Dad talk about Jehovah-Jireh,
my Provider, but they see Dad working long hours and working way too hard
to pay all the bills, because God, apparently can’t do anything without Dad’s
help. They hear their parents talk about God being a place of Rest, but
they see their parents getting stressed out over day to day problems.
What does this tell the children about the relevance of God?
"For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, they are
the sons of God.
For you have not received the spirit of bondage again to
fear; but you have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba,
Father." Romans 8:14, 15
"Abba" in Greek, means "Daddy!"
"Abba" is the personal cry of a little child to
his Dad. This tells us what sort of relationship Christian parents ought to
have with God. If all the children see is Mum and Dad dressed in their best
clothes, intoning seriously in the church pew on Sundays, they will get the
impressing that God is only on duty one day a week, like some government
official.
The Family Charter.
It is doubtful, I think, whether any family would be able to
co-operate sufficiently to write a Charter, because the younger members would
not see it as relevant, and the older members would feel it was superfluous.
The parents, however, could write a list of expectations and refer to it from
time to time. It could even go on the wall as a declaration of intent.
But when all the rules are boiled down, there really is only
one rule - "Do to others as you would have them do to you". This
works as a rule under Grace, and as a rule under the Law. Children may obey it,
even unwillingly, and Christians may obey it, from their hearts. Whichever
approach is used, the rule works.
Other things Christian parents can do to direct their family
towards heaven :
1. Posters. Christian posters with a verse or Bible message
for the walls.
2. Ornaments. There are many Christian ornaments available.
3. Books. If there is a book shelf, stock it with Christian
books - for all ages.
4. Videos. Hire or buy Christian videos. (Vege Tales,
Odyssey, etc, )
5. Tapes. Christian radio stations can sometimes be bearable.
6. News sources. Challenge Weekly and Christian magazines
are available. Creation mag.
7. Guests. Invite dynamic Christians to your home and let
God work through them.
8. Events. Take your family to Christian events, guest
speakers, shows, musicals etc.
Your example.
Children are always quick to copy what they see. If a
visitor comes and the parents treat him/her with indifference, they will think
maybe God is like that. If they hear parents criticising, and fault-finding
someone who has visited, they will wonder if God is two-faced.
The following was addressed to elders, but it applies to all
Christian parents :
"Feed the flock of God which is among
you, taking the oversight . . . (not as) lords over God's heritage, but
being examples to the flock.
And when the chief Shepherd shall appear, you shall receive
a crown of glory that fades not away." 1Pet. 5:2-4
And to the children :
"Likewise, you younger, submit yourselves to the
elder. Yea, all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility:
for God resists the proud, and gives grace to the humble.
Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may
exalt you in due time" 1 Peter 5:5,6
The family is, without a doubt, one of the most important
social units in the world. It is a miniature of the church, and the marriage
part is a miniature of God. The children are a miniature of the unsaved world,
which needs to be loved, nurtured and educated, and they can become the next
generation of labourers in the vineyard. Parents who do a good job can release
into the world an increase, which, over successive generations, can actually
change the whole world. The greatest mission field is the home.
But Satan is also desperately keen to destroy
Christian homes, which means that Christian parents must be vigilant,
prayerful, and wise. Satan patrols the outskirts, like a hungry wolf, circling
the flock, waiting for the weaker ones to stumble. He moves in for the kill . .
. But vigilant parents stand in the way.
How does Satan work?
The long answer to this question is in my booklet ‘Running
With The Wolves’. The short answer is this summary :
1. Peer pressure. Unsaved or worldly friends of your children will
(usually unwittingly) lure them away.
2. The education system. State schooling is atheist,
evolutionist and materialist. It is also operating within a democratic system,
which places human power at the top, and leaves no place for God on His throne
above the world.
3. Media. Songs, TV, videos and other forms of entertainment
constantly whittle away at the truths of Christianity.
4. Cults, heresies and sects. Offering security, friendship,
love and a sense of belonging, false Christians try to win the minds of your
children.
And having said all this, I think there is only one more
thing to add. I call it the ‘wild card’. Other people call it "free
will". Whatever its name, it is the ability which all people have,
including children, to make choices.
The most loving, obedient, wonderful parents may still see
their children turn out on the broad road. All the prayers, music, teaching and
years of effort may seem to have been a total waste of time. Off goes their
daughter, lives with a man, has a baby, gets married, experiments with drugs .
. . Or there goes the son, sleeping round the city, crashes his car driving
home from a wild party, still drunk as the ambulance arrives . . . And the
parents wonder why?
Sad though the situation is, it is a pattern which has been
repeated many times. Adam and Eve had a murderer for a son, the High Priest
Aaron had two boys who had to be destroyed by God, Samuel’s sons were turned
down because they were wicked . . .
In these situations, the parents have to ask themselves this
question: Did we do our best to raise our children in God’s ways? If they can
answer "yes" then they have discharged their duty. There is no place
for guilt or remorse. All God requires of each individual parent is that they
discharge their duty. The children make their own choices, and receive either
rewards or punishments based on their own choices.
Because when you think about it, children come from God first.
He uses a woman’s womb to birth them, and parents are, after all, only supervisors
for a few years. Children belong to God, not their earthly parents,
because He made them, so there is no place for possessive parents who think
that children should be some sort of permanent addition to their home. God is
the Possessor of every person He has made. Everything belongs to God. Parents
belong to God just as much as their children. We own nothing.
...........................................
In closing, I think it is interesting to note that the only
time "family" is translated in the New Testament from the word
"patria" is in Ephesians: "For this cause I bow my knees to the
Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, of whom the whole family in heaven and
earth is named"
Eph. 3:14,15
"Patria" means "one’s own family".
This is so significant. God, on the one hand, has given us the social group
called the family, here on earth, as a sort of demonstration model of many
spiritual truths, but in the end, when all’s been said, the only permanent
family is our heavenly one. All Christian men are therefore brothers, and all
Christian women are sisters, and God is the only Father we all have. This means
that we ought to demonstrate to the world our family likeness - love,
forgiveness, care, generosity, etc.
Are we behaving like family of God?